As The Front Gate Turns

As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into countless convoys coming and going I spend my time figuring out ways to stay entertained at the front gate to my FOB. We have already exhausted the “icebox of death” game where we immerse our arms elbow deep in a cooler full of water and ice to see who can endure the freezing pain the longest. After a super soldier blew the previous record out of the water with a 30-minute submersion the elbow game took a back seat to the head submersion game. Unlike putting your arm in the water, doing so with your head provides some adverse results. Swollen head, throbbing eyes, and loss of balance are just a few of the side effects that result from placing your head in freezing water. So far no one can beat 31 seconds.

An old favorite of ours is the “How much would it take for you to…” or the “If you could-then…” game. This game can take various twists and turns. For example the other day I asked my buddy several questions including “How much would it take for you to lick both sides of the lock on the inside of the port-o-john door?” and “If you could punch a soldier of your choosing directly in the face but had to stay in Iraq for another month as a result of doing so, would you do it?” These questions oftentimes lead to hours of similar questions and are a great way to pass time while we sweat through the nametapes on our uniforms as I often do even though they have Velcro on the backside. If someone could seriously explain how I do this then I would be grateful.

The other day a convoy of British contract workers came up to the front gate and had to wait while I found out exactly where they needed to go. I got to talking to one of them and it turned out that we were at the same base during my first deployment. Apparently we hit it off well enough that he opened the back door to his truck and showed me his convoy essentials: One 20 inch television, one Xbox, and one black market Iraqi RPG. “There you go mate, I never leave home without them.” “Hmm” I thought to myself, “I bet this would be a great guy to hang out with.” So after finding where they were staying for the night I invited myself over and we ended up having a famous time together. Cheers mate!

The single best source of entertainment has and will remain to be the Iraqi army soldiers that we work with. Each day brings a few new soldiers to the front gate. Of course we have our regular “front-gaters” as I like to call them but the new soldiers are always the most fun to talk to. Just the other day we had an Iraqi soldier we called Creepy and for obvious reasons. One of the regular IA soldiers at the front gate described Creepy as schway mijnoon (a little crazy). Well after a spending a few hours with Creepy I came to realize that he was not simply a little crazy but as one of our interpreters said he was “officially crazy.” He talked on and on to us in Arabic and looked confused when we spoke English to him. He also took to meowing at one of my soldiers and if you were within close enough proximity to him you could bet your bottom dollar that you were going to get kissed.

My best Iraqi friend is a chubby 21-year-old sergeant named Ahmed. After spending hours wrestling, punching, and making fun of each other we settle down long enough to drink some chai before we go at it again. He is the type of kid that seems happy just to be alive. I have yet to see him without a smile on his face or a mischievous twinkle in his eye. I can never seem to get anything over on him either. Case in point: the other day he was going to open one of the gates to let a convoy out and had trouble getting the gate out of the broken latch. As I watched him struggle I said “Put some back into it fat boy!” thinking that he wouldn’t understand me. As soon as the words left my mouth he shot back “Oh you think me fat boy. Ok Sgt. Tim give me food. I fat I need food.”

Another IA friend of mine, Hamid, a self-described 32-year-old happily married man, is as funny as he is hairy. One day we were joking around about suicide bombers driving up to the gate and he said in the case of a suspicious vehicle he would search it for me so that it was he that would get blown up and not I. He said that it was his job and that he would gladly do it to save my life. I reminded him that it was also my job and that if he was going to die that I wanted to be there with him. I told him we could go to Allah together and continue to be friends in heaven. He agreed and we made it final with a hug.

The best interactions with the IA ensue when I can get a female soldier to visit the front gate for a while. Iraqis, and I guess Arabs in general, do not have the social interaction with females as Americans do. They have limited contact with women before they marry them and cannot be anywhere as informal with Arab women as they can be with American soldiers. When a female comes within site of the front gate or calls on the radio it is a matter of seconds before I hear about it from the IA. “Sgt. Tim bring her here!” I have two options in this scenario, 1.) I can lie to them and tell them that she has something to do and cannot come over or 2.) I can lie to her and bring her up to the front gate on false pretenses where I act as kind of a pimp-like middleman. As soon as the female heeds my call and comes over the IA begin yelling for a camera, which of course only I have so then I take on the role of photographer. Of course I am not in any of these pictures, which leads to a reverse Freudian jealously on my part. “Hey guys, I am over here. Anyone want a picture with me? Anyone?”

Hamid is the best with the girls and often says things like “Tim I was going Special Forces in a month, but now I cannot.” “Why is that Hamid?” I say. “I have given my heart to her (points to the girl of the day) and it will break if I leave to go Special Forces.” He then takes to walking around all day telling people that he is tired and clutches his heart prompting others to ask him what is wrong. When they ask him what is wrong he feigns being sick and tells them that he can no longer go on with life unless the girl of the day will marry him. Of course all of this is a ruse but it is fun nonetheless. If you girls out there are lacking attention then join the military and come to Iraq because you will get all that you can take and more from the IA.

All in all I continue to be amused while working at the front gate to my FOB. The job is menial but important nonetheless. I have probably given my “Hey everyone is a cog in the wheel” speech ten times in three weeks on guard duty and I am beginning to think I might have to give it to myself soon. I wouldn’t trade the interaction I have with Iraqis for anything though, and hold the communication with them of utmost importance. If I am able to somehow bridge the divide between our cultures, and come to new understandings, then I know I will have accomplished something great.

As I sat the other night talking to one of our local interpreters I was describing the joys of America to him. “Just think about getting in my car and driving wherever we wanted to. We could go to New York and I would show you the city. Then we could go to Washington D.C. and perhaps visit the Iraqi ambassador. After that we could go to Miami and you could see the ocean for the very first time.” He responded as he looked off into the distance, “I think, I think this is a dream that will never come true.”

I have a feeling that it will come true sooner than he thinks.